Month: September 2012

Help Wanted

Posted on

Help wanted
Temporary work available, starting immediately. The job requires being on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Average workweek is eighty hours plus. The pay is horrible and the hours aren’t flexible. There are no health benefits or dental. There are no paid holidays.
Qualified applicant will report directly to the C.E.O. Adherence to the following is strongly recommended: The C.E.O. is currently very moody. She has a headache, stuffy nose, irritating cough, and has been up several nights in a row. Her eyes are glossy and she isn’t breathing very well. Proper distance is advised.
Daily duties include but are not limited to the following: Preparing meals, doing an excessive amount of laundry that seems to never end, and driving several children to and from school and their extra-curricular activities. Dental appointments, orthodontist appointments, and doctors’ appointments are scheduled regularly. Be prepared to fill out tons of paperwork with complete accuracy. On the bright side, only light household cleaning is required and perfection is no longer required. The C.E.O. has accepted that it’s impossible with five children.
After children are picked up from school, they will need homework checked and assistance with science and math occasionally. Incredible curriculum memory from your own elementary school days is required. It will not matter if you easily earned A’s when you were in school. It will all appear entirely foreign.
Nighttime duties include but are not limited to bath time, bedtime stories, and prayers for the 4-year-old and 7-year-old girls. This will need to be accomplished promptly by 8 p.m. Strict no TV, Xbox, and Facebook rules apply to the teenagers in the house. This will take an incredible amount of patience to enforce. You will also need to be available at a moments notice to spend one-on-one time with the teenagers. Attentive listening is required. They will often ask you to be an audience member while they practice their school presentations. This is often at 11 o’clock at night. Be prepared to quiz them on the next day’s exam questions at this late hour as well.
Additional responsibilities include taking care of a 1-year-old, male Lhasa-Poo. Warning: He can be very moody and expect you to read his mind, quite similar to the C.E.O. The puppy will often look at you and speak dog excessively. In other words, he will tilt his head in an adorable manner and then bark in your face until you’re irritated beyond belief. This often occurs after he’s been properly fed, walked, and brushed. It’s a complete guessing game most days. At times he requires more patience than the teenagers in the home. It should be noted he is a great escape artist. The 4-year-old loves to open the door, let the air conditioning out and flies in. This is usually when the dog jets for the open door, not missing a single opportunity for freedom. This is probably due to the occasional chaos in the home. Do not blame him for this, just search for him immediately.
Lastly, if the C.E.O. does materialize from her office and show her face, do not be deceived. Although she will be showered and in full make-up and appear to look like she’s in a good mood, tread slowly. She’s only done this to make herself feel a little better. Her state-of-mind will still be questionable.
In addition to the above requirements, the qualified applicant will possess great amounts of organizational skills, creativity, and common sense. Please send resumes stating experience as soon as possible. The C.E.O. is desperate. At least five years experience is required. The weak need not apply.

Compliments of The Atchison Globe


Let the Games Begin

Posted on

Let the Games Begin

It’s only the beginning of the school year and yet, the excitement…drama…whatever you want to call it, has already begun. There have certainly been some interesting things going on in the Baniewicz household.

To begin with, my first-grader came home from school one day and asked me to look over her “very important papers.” It was her schoolwork from the day. (I’m glad she categorizes schoolwork as important. Having teenagers, I know this drastically changes.) I noticed my daughter had not written our complete last name on top of each page. She just wrote B-a-n-i-e. When I questioned her about this she said our last name didn’t fit on the line. Point taken. Although she was right, I reminded her she learned how to spell and write our last name in kindergarten and needed to continue to write it out completely. I asked her, “Aren’t you worried you’ll get points taken off for this?”

With complete confidence she answered, “I’ve decided our last name is too long. I’m going to shorten it.” With a sigh, I gave up for that particular day. Clearly she should have been one of the early settlers on Staten Island and taken care of it then. Quite frankly, after writing my married name for nearly twenty years, I can’t argue. My signature is completely illegible.

The second interesting thing that happened involved my two children in junior high. The past few years they have both been actively involved in student council at their school. Prior to this school year beginning they talked about my son running for president and my daughter for vice president. My son changed his mind unbeknownst to all of us. He decided to run against my daughter for the vice president position instead.

I wasn’t thrilled to hear about this turn of events. My daughter had filled out the paperwork already, gotten her signatures and started to think of ideas to implement during the school year. My son hadn’t done any of this. (He’s organized but a last minute kind of fella.) I told him it wasn’t one of his better ideas. Personally, I fear the fallout in our home after the votes are tallied. Thankfully there are at least two other candidates running for this position as well. I’m thinking the best outcome would be if neither one wins, or as my husband hopes, that my daughter wins to teach him a lesson.

Of course they both asked for help with their speeches. Feeling conflicted; I helped them both in an attempt to be fair. I questioned some of my son’s ideas for the school year. They seemed a tad optimistic, like implementing a break for the older students (which was taken away in the past), and he wants recess for everyone. I told him he shouldn’t promise things he’s not sure he can accomplish. Without hesitating he said, “Why not? All the politicians do it.” Fabulous.

Lastly, I’m not usually great about reminding my children to take a daily vitamin. This year I’ve been consistently handing them out, even buying the ones they love, and yet two of them don’t look so good. Go figure. They seem to be coming down with something. My pre-kindergartner might be headed to the doctor instead of her first day of school this week. She’s not a happy camper at the moment. My oldest wasn’t feeling well enough to do her chores over the weekend. Funny, prior to this, she seemed to have enough energy to go out and maintain her social life.

I’m sure things will settle down after a little while. Right? I can only hope this isn’t just a warm-up for what’s to come.

Compliments of The Atchison Globe